By: Dr. Michelle Stanton
To the new or expecting mom that needs to hear it...
It is ok to not be in love with your baby the second you meet him.
This was some of the best advice I received when I was pregnant. So many people would tell me: “You think you know love until you’re child is put into your arms", “When I held my baby for the first time, it was the best moment of my life”, on and on…you’ve heard it. You may have said it, and you may have even meant it. But that’s a lot of pressure for an expectation of a feeling that may not come, and a lot of pressure on a new mom who has just been through labor.
When Baby G finally arrived, I was more than exhausted. I had not slept longer than a few hours in over three days, anything I did eat prior to and during active labor I had long since vomited. My muscles were sore from squatting, contracting, gripping, holding on to my husband…everything around me physically was a blurry side note to my one mission: get this baby out. Now.
So, when the baby was finally out, all I could say was “Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh...” His daddy put him in my arms, and I went on autopilot. They told me to nurse him, so I did (as much as I knew how). I kissed his head, but honestly it was a little slimy and gross. I kissed him because I was happy he was here, but I was happy it was over.
It’s hard to admit…but it wasn’t the best moment of my life. In general, I was happy. But I was exhausted. I had no capacity for much emotion beyond relief. I loved him, because logically and biologically I knew I did. I knew I would in the coming days, but clouds did not part and my eyes were not opened for the first time in my life.
Looking back, I am so thankful for those family members who told me that it’s ok to not be in love with your baby right away. If I had thought I was supposed to, then that moment of holding my child for the first time would have been ruined with guilt and sadness (had I had the energy for them). Instead, I gave myself permission to feel what I felt naturally, which was relief. Even in the first few days — though I was very fond of him, and enjoyed the cuddles and watching his cute little movements — I didn’t feel an overwhelming love like I had been told over and over that I would. Like you see in every movie and tv show ever. The difference for me was I knew that was ok.
Now, with a few more hours of rest 😉 , with food back in my system, and my hair washed, I love my son. No reservations, no question, no blurry auto-pilot assessment of the situation – I love him. But it took a bit of time for me to get to know this stranger. Yes, he had been living inside me for 9 months, but let’s be real: we had never met.
So, to whoever needs to hear this…It’s ok to not fall head over heels, 100 white doves are released, clouds part and the heavens open IN LOVE in the first few moments of meeting your baby. Even days. You are meeting a person for the first time. You are changing everything in your life around. You may be tired, hungry, overwhelmed, smelly -- whatever you are in that early period, you are different. So, give yourself some grace and time to fall in love. It is ok.
An important note: if you have feelings of overwhelming sadness, hopelessness, or you think you want to harm yourself or your child, you may be experiencing postpartum depression (there are more symptoms than those I have listed). Please talk to a loved one and be honest with them. This is not something you should feel guilty or ashamed of. In fact, telling someone and getting help is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Please visit this page for more information on postpartum depression. And there is NOTHING wrong with having a friend or family member care for your baby so you can have a break, please do not be afraid to ask.